Addiction & Trauma took from me

So two dreams I had in my life were permanently taken away from me due to my trauma and addiction.
1: Join the PBR . I was so good and so close to join then addiction, and I illness took it all from me .
2: Own my own private security company.
I was amazing private security officer contacter.

I lost everything and I have health issues that was caused from years of addiction, abuse self mutilation harm., sexual abuse and rape..

So because I want help others and hope I could give anyone some type of understanding and help.that if you anyone you know possible goiy through or gone through what I been through . To know your not only and there someone that will listen only or speak from experience. I will not tell you what to do but give suggestion. I lost so much and friends family and seen people died in front of me in my arms and have to end covered there blood I couldn’t save them cause I was in addiction and suicidal my self . I will admit in the first month in Burlington recovery home I tried to take my life 3 times . Was stop all 3 times .

When I first started to feel as I was being ignored,and all the attention was focused on others and themselves, being left out on family gatherings, out of family crisis or situations. Then when it all became realistic not just my assumption. I’m seeing proof .I used drugs as way to cope and way to avoid the consequences of encountering the painful and fear and the response from them and my interactions with them. So I then made a decision that if they don’t want me around and include me in anything. I will then make sure I completely become non existent . Become just a stranger. Shut them out get far away as I can since it shows I’m not part of the stone family anymore. Feeling abandoned and neglected and unloved worthless man . So I would stay in the addiction comfort and a new safe reality where I don’t ever have to feel or deal with anymore pain. I can shut down only feel happiness and use the anger as a way to show anyone that I’m to be pushed around, I don’t care about anyone and cold heart you have to watch what you say around me if you don’t want me to haze, criticize, you..